I am an adult who is not a mommy.

My friend’s daughter Alaina is fun to be around because she is so smart. She is 4 now, and is very good at articulating her thoughts. I enjoy asking her questions just to see how she understands a situation, and watch her reason it out. She takes her time and gives great, thoughtful answers. Recently she had a few questions for me, though. She has a new baby brother, and this past Friday at Bible study, she was happily caring for a new baby doll of her own. She decided to sit beside me for the study since her buddy Ashlee wasn’t there that night, and she “always sits next to a girl, not a boy.” I even got to hold the baby doll! Apparently Alaina was processing some thoughts of her own during the discussion, and about half way through the study, she leaned over to me for clarification about it.
“Lisa, are you a mommy?” she said.
“No,” I answered. I tried not to smile too big because I wanted her to continue in her questioning.
She thought a moment. “But you’re an adult?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said, unable to keep from smiling now.
“So you’re an adult…who’s not a mommy.”
“Yes,” I said.
That seemed to make sense to her, but there was one other lead she had to check out.
“Is Daniel a daddy?” she asked.
“No,” I said. She seemed satisfied with this information. It made sense. That is absolutely the cutest conversation that I have had on that subject. And by far one of the most pleasant. It’s really funny that Alaina brought it up, because that topic came up a few other times in the last few weeks before that. It has been coming up more and more frequently now that we have a house.

Unfortunately, I have had some bad conversations on the topic in the past. I am certainly comfortable with the fact that I don’t have children and that I don’t have any specific plans to do so. I simply don’t know either way. But I am really surprised at how many people are not comfortable with that, however, and the fact that they feel its appropriate to let me know.

I first got this question when I was dating a guy from college. “How many kids do you want?” he’d say. We had only recently graduated from college, so the idea of children was far off in my mind. “2.3” I would answer, teasing him about suburbia. A year and a half into our relationship, unbeknownst to me, he mused to a friend of ours that he would know I was ready for marriage when I stopped answering in decimals. Towards the end of our relationship, we were driving around suburbia at 1am laughing and talking, when he suddenly asked me again. I shrugged it off with a, “2.3.” He became serious and sad, and I had no idea why. A few weeks later we broke up, and by six months after that he was married to someone else. She must have had more of an affinity for round numbers, because he has since become a father. There were many complex issues played out in that relationship, but a big one was that I resisted the traditional wife and mother role. Growing up, I simply wasn’t one of the little girls who acted out her wedding and pushed stuffed animals around in strollers. I had stuffed animals that were also backpacks, and I packed flashlights and rope in them and climbed around the house pretending to be an adventurer named Super Lady.

Another indirect conversation on the topic came a few years later when I was working as a caseworker. I went to talk to my pastor’s wife for guidance and prayer about stress in my career. I was overwhelmed by the problems I encountered in my clients, unsure of how to direct it and unwind, and wondering how to choose between several other fields I was considering. Her prayer for me at the end of our chat was, “Dear God, I thank you for this wonderful furlough in Lisa’s life before she has a family and becomes a mother. I pray that she enjoys this precious gift of time you have given her.” In this, she assumed I was going to have children, and I wasn’t even married or engaged at the time. She also assumed that my career was not real work. In fact, it constituted a vacation from my designated duties as a woman. She never mentioned the stress or the decisions I was considering. The understanding I got was that those issues would be taken care of soon when my deviant and leisurely career ended, as all furloughs must do, and I took up my true role as a woman.

Twice this issue has come up in work settings as well. Once when I was interviewing for a job that I wanted, the two bosses asked me suspiciously, “Now you’re kind of young. Are you married? We want to be sure that if we hire you, you won’t go off on maternity leave after 6 months or something.” (Needless to say, I didn’t want the job after that display of lack of professionalism and poor judgement.)

The most surprising incident for me, however, was a more recent one. I was having lunch at my current work place, and a new employee joined me in the break room. We began to chat politely about work, and he eventually asked me if I have children. I said no, and he said, “…..Why? You’re been married for how long?....and how is it possible that you don’t have kids?” I was amazed that he went on to announce that he was a certified Bible counselor (by virtue of an online course) and that any form or method of birth control is against God. I am still amazed at the fact that a stranger believed this was appropriate to say to me within a 10 minute conversation.

Two things strike me about this in society. First, the double standard is so huge. I know for a fact that single men are not routinely asked, “So, when do you want kids?” And secondly, I am surprised that with all of the progress of feminism (some good, some bad) in modern society that for a woman to believe that not having children is one possibility is such a radical and controversial idea. To Alaina, a four year old, the idea of me being an adult who is not a mommy was no problem. In contrast, I wonder at what age did these cranky adults adopt templates by which to judge other people’s lives?

(Side note: if you are worrying whether you have offended me by discussing this issue, you definitely have not, one because you actually care about and considered whether you offended me, and two because I know who reads my blog!)